Why do we argue more during the holidays?

Written By Lois Calamusa

Why Couples Argue More During the Holidays (And How to Reconnect)

Relationship Tips from a Couples Therapist, Lois Calamusa, MS, LCMHC

If you’ve noticed more arguments, irritability, or emotional distance between you and your partner during the holiday season, you’re not alone. As a couples counselor, I often see a spike in relationship stress this time of year. While the holidays are marketed as joyful and magical, many couples experience increased conflict, overwhelm, and disconnection.

Why the Holidays Create More Relationship Conflict

One of the biggest reasons couples fight more during the holidays is simple: stress and overstimulation. Life can get really busy. Extra events, travel, family dynamics, financial pressure, and endless to-do lists can quickly drain your emotional bandwidth.

When you’re overwhelmed, your ability to stay calm, patient, and emotionally present naturally decreases. This makes it harder to respond to your partner with warmth and understanding, especially when they’re trying to connect with you.

Many couples also experience the added pressure of “holiday perfection.” When your emotions don’t match what you think they should be, you may feel shame, guilt, or disappointment. This internal pressure makes small moments of disconnection feel even bigger.

Understanding “Bids for Connection” in Relationships

In relationship therapy, we often talk about bids for connection—the small ways partners reach out to each other for attention, support, or closeness.

Examples of bids include:

  • “Can I tell you something?”

  • “Look at this!”

  • A smile, a touch, or a shared comment

  • “That’s such a great Christmas tree!”

These may seem small, but research from the Gottman Institute found that couples who happily stay together long-term respond to each other’s bids 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who eventually divorced respond only 33% of the time.

Responding to bids is one of the clearest markers of relationship health.

How to Stay Connected When You're Already Overwhelmed

If you're juggling holiday responsibilities, it’s understandable that you may feel emotionally depleted. The good news is that responding to your partner’s bids doesn’t require deep conversations or a lot of energy. Even small, simple responses matter.

Try:

  • “Yeah, I see that!”

  • “You’re right, that is a nice tree.”

  • A nod, smile, or brief acknowledgment

  • “I know, right?!”

These micro-moments create a sense of teamwork and reassurance. They tell your partner, “You matter to me, even when life is chaotic.”

The Benefits of Staying Emotionally Connected

When couples feel emotionally connected, conflict naturally decreases. You may feel:

  • More patient

  • More supported

  • Less reactive

  • More able to enjoy holiday moments

A little bit of connection goes a long way. And when you spend less time arguing, you have more time for the holiday joy you truly deserve.

If You’re Struggling, Couples Counseling Can Help

If holiday stress has highlighted deeper patterns in your relationship, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Couples therapy can help you strengthen communication, reconnect emotionally, and build habits that keep your relationship strong all year long.

If you’re ready to feel more understood, supported, and connected, learn more about my couples counseling services here.

Lois Calamusa